Best mans speech

Ladies, Gentlemen, and most importantly, the bridesmaid who keeps giving me the eye, I would like to say a few words. (Winks at the bridesmaid.)

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Alan. I first met John about 15 years ago when we started high school. I will always remember the first day; one of us was good looking, cool, and relaxed. The other was wearing Deirdre's glasses from Coronation Street, had a kind of afro going on, and was hiding in the corner of the hall. And if you can't tell who was who, all I am going to say is: John, you should have gone to Specsavers!

All through the years that I have known John, never once have I seen him want to be in a serious relationship, and never have I heard of him speak of getting hitched. And although I have only known Debbie for just over a year, I can see what has made him change his mind.

Debbie came up to me about three weeks ago and begged me not to humiliate John too much as he is already so wound up about today. Reluctantly I agreed. But, Debbie, I have a confession to make – I had my fingers crossed. Sorry.

So after much deliberation, I have remembered a story that will show John in his true colours, for those of you who have not seen them before.

When John and I were about 15 we had watched a programme on the TV that used paintball guns, and small paintball explosives. So – the bright sparks we were at the time decided to make some paintball explosives and test them in the field behind his house. After two days of salvaging, we put all we could find on the table in front of us. There lay a plastic sandwich box, a deodorant can, some matches, some paint and two feet of string. And I know what you're thinking, and looking back we could have done better. But nevertheless we made it, and we were convinced it would work. So the next day we took it to the middle of the field to try it out. We waited to see if anyone was walking past. No one was there, so we set the paintball explosive and ran to hide behind a tree. A few minutes later – nothing. So we waited another few minutes – still nothing. Then, out of the blue, a woman walking a Labrador appeared from over the mound, heading straight for our paintball explosive. Oh c**p. John shot up and sprinted like someone out of Baywatch over to the device, pouncing on top of it. Luckily it didn't go off. The woman shouted every name under the sun at us, to which John replied, "I am sorry, lady, but I have just saved your life!"

So, thankfully back then we didn't have a brain cell between us, otherwise John might look like a deformed Oompa-Loompa right now.

But on a more serious note, John is my best friend, and between us we have got through a lot together. And if I had to pick John a wife myself, I could not have found a more suitable, attractive, intelligent woman that was mad enough to have him if I had searched for a decade.

So please, everyone raise their glasses to my best friend, John, and his fantastic new wife. Cheers.